These past few weeks have been filled with many emotions. I hope that by writing about the recent experience I have had, that I can be an encouragement to others.
In early February, Q and I found out we were expecting a little one. Because I had already lost a baby, I didn't know how excited I should be. The timing seemed just right; for the first time in a long time, I was content with however God would give us a child. But, two weeks later, I found myself in the doctor's office because things just didn't seem right. After a couple tests, he concluded that I had an ectopic pregnancy. The way to remove the baby from my only tube was to have an injection. He was hopeful and said that I could come in after the weekend to double check if I had a baby in my uterus. That night, I began having some pain and bleeding, so the next day, Q and I went to the Emergency Room. Although I wasn't very far along, we didn't want to take any chances with what could happen if the pain or bleeding increased. The doctors there confirmed the same thing, so we went ahead with the injection. I cried off and on with Q at my side.
Although I was trying to be "cautious" with my excitement when I found out I was pregnant, I really wanted this baby to be okay. I wanted to be a mother this year. But God had another plan for this baby and He has a different plan for us.
Now I have two babies in Heaven. They are rejoicing with God. Some day I will see them, hug them and will not want to let go.
Physically, I'm doing well. Because having an ectopic pregnancy increases the chances of having another one, I'm not sure what the future holds for me. Emotionally, it's still hard. Some days, I feel just fine, but when the tears come, they last a couple days at a time. It was really hard at first to be motivated to do things around the house, but I'm getting better with that. You may have noticed that I haven't blogged as much or that I haven't done a lot of crafting. This is why. I'm in the midst of redoing my to-do lists and praying about what God wants me to do in the days ahead.
I'm grateful for my family and the friends close by who have reached out to me in different ways. They've all prayed. Some have sent cards and made numerous phone calls when I was in the midst of the doctor's visits.
I received this Willow Tree figurine from a college friend this past weekend. It brought me to tears when I opened it. I am glad that I now have something to look at that gives me hope. If I never get to hold my own child here on earth, this is what Heaven will look like for me and my babies.
Finally, I am thankful to God for many things. Without Him, I couldn't be going through this with so much peace and contentment. Sure, it hasn't been always easy, but knowing that God has been with me through this second loss, has helped me so much. Even though it's hard to think of the future right now, I know that God is "able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to they power that worketh in us." (Ephesians 3:20) He's got a great plan for me and Q. I can't wait to find out how all this is going to come out for our good and for His glory. I'm also thankful that the Lord took care of me physically because of the danger associated with this type of pregnancy. God is good all the time.
One of the songs that has meant a lot to me lately is "It is Well." I video taped myself playing it on the piano. It's still a bit hard to sing, but someday I'll be able to again.
"When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, thou has taught me to say, It is well, it is well with my soul....